Tag Archives: #personal

tracing arteries

spreading out each halloween
on the kitchen table, i can read
the guts of the pumpkins like a
haruspex, prodding at the signs
with my steak knife and divining
by the arrangement of the seeds
that the long-boned demon in my
bedroom will stand in its corner
for another four seasons – it is
assigned to me. reaching into
the orange gourd, there is already
a red wax candle inside. it must
have grown last year when i
prayed for help during the
holidays. the kitchen table is
sticky with the soft pulp of
future falls and not all of them
include me. carving my face
into my pumpkin idly, i wonder
why that demon never says
anything. spreading out all the
halloween candles in my mind
like the long-walled insides of
a flickering church, i light one
candle and i light them all. and i
take my lantern to my bedside
table.

warmest climes but nurse the cruellest fangs

another sticky morning rises out
of the mucus on the horizon like
an egg-yolk wobbling into the
mixing bowl, around the flakes
of flour
oh, if only the earth were really flat
then i could hike to the ice wall
at the edge – and leap off – only to
hit what? at the bottom? and could i
shout my findings back to my assistant
in time?
but the hot, summer reality is that if
i walk, i walk forever – over land bridges
and onto other continents with different-
colored insects and leaves of alien
contour, where i will pray to foreign
gods and ask them whether this is the
right plot for a home and family, then
receive some unfriendly answer and walk
again until i’m where my mother labored
to make me, until i’m standing in the
cemetery of my ancestors – whom i
rarely texted – and asking too late for
a parable on eking out joy from the rinds
of shriveled fruit.
how did you survive your great depression,
great grandmother? how can i survive
mine, when the devil steals the little
chemicals that make me say “oh!” at
a nice, beautiful thing and leaves me
with an “oh.”
another glop on the horizon wibbles
into the bright, blue mixing bowl
around the floury tufts of cloud
and stares back, like the yellow eye
of a cyclops, waiting for me to leap

autonomia

when we kissed
you tongued your gum
to me so i wouldn’t chew
my cheeks bloody and
already, both our jaws
were starting to throb
(but not from the medicine)
my neurotransmitters had
already converted me to
a hard determinist, but when
the drugs receded mercilessly
up your spine, it almost
triggered tears to watch you
realize this happiness wasn’t
your creation, your pupils tightening
around the last of the synthetic
bliss, your mood melting between
my fingers and into the ice cream
sunset, your sense of free will
evaporating and the geometries
underneath your choices exposed
like a femur breaking through skin
when we kissed
we absolutely had to kiss
like the perseids had to burn

the vuln

the research chemical hit
the group and left us doing
lines of moth wing dust
off the rim of the clawfoot tub
left us holding eye contact
dangerously long spans of time
left us on thin black-and-white tile
to fail at teasing out intentions
from our four little retinae
that twitched and jerked neon
tracers across the evening air
and when our bodies and brains
decided the other posed a threat
we smiled our apologies and
curled in like anemones
frightened of touch

e.m.p.

i’m going to need you
on a specific date in your far future
but the distance will stretch its arms
and yawn
as if my electromagnetic pulse
disabled communication systems –
the city turned quickly country
the wind, the stars, the quiet sound
of dead batteries and black phones
resonating like a wood house
painted actually black
i’m going to need a living car to reach you
i’m going to need to tell you
the old words

Esteemed Captain of The Anhedonia

What of the sailor doomed
On doldrum seas? Is she
The lesser captain who
Wills the Wind Within gust
When the wind wills ill hush?
Her quiet fight at night,
One of calculation,
Many bearing-takings,
Bad nightly monologues,
And her dazed will to row
Home: no tempest-taming.
“Yet, yet,” slaps the water
Under-oar, and the cold
Stars above grin like cons
Cheating death again and
Forever, hallelu